American?

I remember when my sister came back from Africa in 2004. She had been gone for over two years, and only came back once in that time. When she came back the second time, to stay, she looked out of place, as if Africa was in her very skin, as if it were the lenses through which she saw the world. Almost, she seemed to be a foreigner. Her discomfort with American culture and values unsettled me. I struggled not to take it personally. If she doesn't like America, does that mean she doesn't like me?

We were on the Metro Orange line when I finally tried to articulate my thoughts on this subject, and it was that conversation that laid the foundation for a friendship with my sister that I count as profoundly precious. At last, I began to know her.

I have in no way been in a third world country for the last 14 months. Great Britain is collectively referred to with the USA (and perhaps Europe) using phrases such as "the Western world." Many take it for granted. US and UK, two sides of the pond, but really they aren't that different. Even the British government does not allow that US citizens bring 'cultural value' to British jobs.

Yet, as the day approaches to return to the country where I was born, I grow more and more uneasy. I have changed profoundly over this time, my conception of the US has changed as well. I am well aware that going back there will be countless things that I will find challenging, that will grate on my nerves, make me uncomfortable. I was raised to be patriotic, but now I struggle to be positive about my country - I even struggle to call it 'mine.'

In my mind, it is like walking into a wall of some kind, not a solid wall, I will be able to walk through it, but I'm nervous. How will I feel? How will I react? Above all, however, I want it to be clear to those I love that, whatever my attitude toward "America" in general, I still love them. The closer the day gets, the more I look forward to seeing and embracing those who have upheld me with their love and their prayers over this time. Without the long phone calls, the encouraging emails and the prayer support, I could never have come so far as I have in the last year.

So, have patience with me. If I seem not to like being back in the country, remember I am still overjoyed to see the people. Everything goes deeper now: deeper, higher, wider, farther. New depths of both joy and pain have shaken me. My heart dwells now in the country of Wales, but I still long to embrace those whose love and support make it possible for me to make this journey.