I remember once, about ten years ago now, I went through a concordance and found passages of scripture including the word 'wait.' I was in a desperate hurry for my life to get started and dragging through the teen years was nothing but frustration to me. I wanted life to begin, love to come, an adventure, a quest, anything but the dull daily routine of school, family and church. When I petitioned God for a change, he pointed me in the direction of scripture, highlighting in my mind the one word: wait. Many verses on this theme found their way onto my wall and into my memory. The message seemed to be wait, God is preparing, delight yourself in the Lord, the rest will follow in time.
Some three weeks ago I responded to a call and committed to pursue my PhD. My mind immediately filled with all the things I need to work at in order to accomplish that goal: find funding, complete my current degree with distinction, contact Dr. Lossl about the program, select a tutor, select a topic and write a proposal. The list seemed endless and my mind was crowded with ideas, to do list, schemes and courses of action. I turned in my first essay, and then turned to look forward. What should I do next?
Now I would be the first to admit that one of my greatest faults is procrastination. I would also be more than willing to state that I can easily become overwhelmed by the greatness of a task. This often takes the form of complete paralysis, preventing me from seeing the small thing I can do now to advance toward said task. I feel forced to say, however, that the extreme lack of productivity in my life for the last three weeks has little to do with either of these perenial failings, and everything to do with what I can only understand to be the voice of God in my heart and mind.
Numerous times I have sat down in a chair to study, only to stare out the window hearing the word wait repeated in my mind. I have gone out for exercise, chosen a different direction, tidied my living space to reduce mental clutter, sat in silence to pray and to listen. I have done all these things not just once, but many times. I have petitioned God to let me begin the work he has set me, telling him I wait only for his word. One night I sat up until midnight before the embers of a fire; another night I went to bed before nine. Both nights my sole purpose was to meet God in the silence, to speak, to listen.
And so it has been for three weeks. I have continued to do outwardly normal things, eat, sleep (albeit at odd times), exercise, attend choir rehearsals, chat to friends in the US and UK, even went out of Cardiff for a weekend and made a new friend. But still the quiet voice in my head repeats the word wait, while idea after idea, thought after thought, and lesson after lesson form themselves in my head. And I wait for the final word, the seal on the letter, the last piece of the puzzle, the starting shot of the race, and while I wait I wonder:
What am I waiting for?
31 January, 2008
25 January, 2008
Scrabble
Life is like a game of Scrabble. No, really, work with me here.
This past weekend, I played Scrabble for the first time in years, perhaps as much as a decade. My memories of the game were that it was frustrating and I always lost, but I was willing to try again. Anything to spend quality time developing relationships. So we played, and I won. The next day we played again, and I won. The last day I was there I played two games. I won both of them. How did that happen? I wondered if I had learned a new way to think, because the game suddenly made sense. I saw how it worked and how to maneuver with that framework.
Today, as I walked through the park thinking, I realized I was using the same pattern of thought I used to play Scrabble. You see, in the game of Scrabble you have a limited number of tiles to play with (7) and a limited number of places on the board to put them. The key is in rearranging the tiles until you come up with a good combination. Sometimes these are brilliant words where the 10 point tile lands on "triple letter score" and others it is just the only word you can find that fits on the board. I learned quickly that it was pointless to wish for tiles I didn't have (if I only had an 'h' and a 'y' I could make squishy!) or regret the tiles I had already used (gee, that 'e' would really come in handy now). Each turn all I had to work with was right in front of me, wishing and regretting only wasted time.
In life I also have a limited number of 'tiles' or areas of my life to work with: school, church, relationships, etc. I have a limited amount of time, skill, discipline, knowledge, etc. in which to fit my tiles on the board of life. One of the keys to successful living is learning to arrange and rearrange all the options in my head before I make a choice. This choice may fit, but that choice could quite possibly be better. The choice I made yesterday may prohibit a choice I want to make today, but there is no use regretting. If I wasted time yesterday, I can't get it back. I can only do better today. Likewise it is useless to wish for more time, different options, better friends or anything else to be different than it is. That only wastes the resources I have.
As in Scrabble, the best score comes in working with what you have to fit it into the spaces available, so in life, the most content comes in working with what God has given to fit it into the life you have.
This past weekend, I played Scrabble for the first time in years, perhaps as much as a decade. My memories of the game were that it was frustrating and I always lost, but I was willing to try again. Anything to spend quality time developing relationships. So we played, and I won. The next day we played again, and I won. The last day I was there I played two games. I won both of them. How did that happen? I wondered if I had learned a new way to think, because the game suddenly made sense. I saw how it worked and how to maneuver with that framework.
Today, as I walked through the park thinking, I realized I was using the same pattern of thought I used to play Scrabble. You see, in the game of Scrabble you have a limited number of tiles to play with (7) and a limited number of places on the board to put them. The key is in rearranging the tiles until you come up with a good combination. Sometimes these are brilliant words where the 10 point tile lands on "triple letter score" and others it is just the only word you can find that fits on the board. I learned quickly that it was pointless to wish for tiles I didn't have (if I only had an 'h' and a 'y' I could make squishy!) or regret the tiles I had already used (gee, that 'e' would really come in handy now). Each turn all I had to work with was right in front of me, wishing and regretting only wasted time.
In life I also have a limited number of 'tiles' or areas of my life to work with: school, church, relationships, etc. I have a limited amount of time, skill, discipline, knowledge, etc. in which to fit my tiles on the board of life. One of the keys to successful living is learning to arrange and rearrange all the options in my head before I make a choice. This choice may fit, but that choice could quite possibly be better. The choice I made yesterday may prohibit a choice I want to make today, but there is no use regretting. If I wasted time yesterday, I can't get it back. I can only do better today. Likewise it is useless to wish for more time, different options, better friends or anything else to be different than it is. That only wastes the resources I have.
As in Scrabble, the best score comes in working with what you have to fit it into the spaces available, so in life, the most content comes in working with what God has given to fit it into the life you have.
23 January, 2008
Community
It seems to me that 'community' is a buzz word in contemporary theological discourse. Pastors and theologians discuss how to create community, how to define community, how community defines religion, the hermeneutics of community, etc. The term itself can have varied meanings based on the context (as can all terms), and, conversely, the definition of the term will then effect the discussion as it unfolds.
Personally, I prefer not to become involved in such discussions. Although I enjoy listening to the opinions and insights of those whom I respect on such subjects, I tend to avoid contemporary and, especially, practical theological discussion, preferring to lose myself in the metaphysical distinctions of the fourth and fifth century church fathers. It may be that the foreign academic atmosphere is stirring my faculties to develop new ideas, or perhaps the concept of community has been uppermost in my mind in the last few months because I have been so much in need of it.
Of course we have all heard some variation on the cliche "you never know what you've got 'till it's gone." Without wishing to be over dramatic, there is more than a grain of truth in this tidbit of wisdom. Being a young adult, I do not have a long history to draw upon and, looking back, I realize that the years between 2003 and 2007 marked my first essay in building a community of support for myself. It was only in the latter part of that time that I became intentional in the building, after I realized that I needed people.
In leaving home, I left a community. I pulled out roots from home, school and church. For the first time I realized just how wide my network of support was. These people, as diverse as they are, were my community. If I needed a safe place, a wise place, a serious talk, an exchange of witticisms or just a hug I knew where to go. But the exchange was mutual. Others looked to me for conversation, encouragement, comfort. In leaving, I knew I left a hole behind, and although that hole would heal, as would the hole in my own life, it was there. Within my community I was needed, I was important.
I could name many things about this cross cultural experience that has been difficult: accent, vocabulary, academic policies and procedures, finding my bearings, etc. But one of the most difficult has been the search for community, not just for a safe place to be or a place to find wisdom, but a place where I can contribute, people that I can help. I have discovered that community, for me, must be a mutual thing. Give and receive love, service, advice, information, experience, selves.
As my vision has cleared and my mind has settled in these last few weeks, I have crystallized three forms of community: accidental, agape and intellectual (I was tempted to say 'academic' and make three 'a's but I just can't). These are in no way meant to be prescriptive, but only to describe my circumstances and experience at this point on my journey.
Accidental community is brought about by life circumstances. These are the folks one meets continually because of the patterns of life. You live with them, work with them or go to class with them. When you meet in the hallway you stop and chat for a bit, catch up on the little, external details of life. Accidental community can become more than it is, but often reaches a certain point of intimacy and stops. Either one or both parties is unwilling to go any deeper, or there is simply not enough similarity in mind, interest or habit to deepen the relationship. When this is the case, accidental community can become a grate on the nerves, a constant reminder of what it isn't.
Agape community is of the type to be found in the best families. This community centers on love and acceptance of each other in Christ without reference to appearance, mood, attitude or action. Each member of this community contributes, and each is free to correct the others in love when they misstep, be that missing a dirty spot on the pan or succumbing to the lies that cripple the joy of life. Agape community offers safety, but it also offers wisdom. It can happen in families, churches, within religious orders or between individuals who would otherwise have been accidental acquaintances, but wherever it does happen it should be nurtured and cherished with joyful thanksgiving. This kind of community is a tiny slice of heaven, and I believe it is vital for each of us to be a member in at least one such community.
Intellectual community centers on the exchange of ideas, but also of beliefs, personalities, background and education. It involves individuals at differing levels of intellectual and academic development sharing of their thoughts, knowledge and ideas. Conversations can range from intense to hilarious from the esoteric to the practical. Generally such community will develop within a specific discipline such as theology or philosophy or medicine. This community will share jargon and context that necessitate a certain exclusivity, but will welcome the new and the learner to share in the exchange and so become a part of the dialogue. This kind of community, I have discovered is nearly as vital for me as the agape community. It gives me the chance to grow, to become, to grow in learning in the company of the learned, and in wisdom in the company of the wise.
This is my contribution to the discussion of community through the lens of my own life and experience. What do you think?
Personally, I prefer not to become involved in such discussions. Although I enjoy listening to the opinions and insights of those whom I respect on such subjects, I tend to avoid contemporary and, especially, practical theological discussion, preferring to lose myself in the metaphysical distinctions of the fourth and fifth century church fathers. It may be that the foreign academic atmosphere is stirring my faculties to develop new ideas, or perhaps the concept of community has been uppermost in my mind in the last few months because I have been so much in need of it.
Of course we have all heard some variation on the cliche "you never know what you've got 'till it's gone." Without wishing to be over dramatic, there is more than a grain of truth in this tidbit of wisdom. Being a young adult, I do not have a long history to draw upon and, looking back, I realize that the years between 2003 and 2007 marked my first essay in building a community of support for myself. It was only in the latter part of that time that I became intentional in the building, after I realized that I needed people.
In leaving home, I left a community. I pulled out roots from home, school and church. For the first time I realized just how wide my network of support was. These people, as diverse as they are, were my community. If I needed a safe place, a wise place, a serious talk, an exchange of witticisms or just a hug I knew where to go. But the exchange was mutual. Others looked to me for conversation, encouragement, comfort. In leaving, I knew I left a hole behind, and although that hole would heal, as would the hole in my own life, it was there. Within my community I was needed, I was important.
I could name many things about this cross cultural experience that has been difficult: accent, vocabulary, academic policies and procedures, finding my bearings, etc. But one of the most difficult has been the search for community, not just for a safe place to be or a place to find wisdom, but a place where I can contribute, people that I can help. I have discovered that community, for me, must be a mutual thing. Give and receive love, service, advice, information, experience, selves.
As my vision has cleared and my mind has settled in these last few weeks, I have crystallized three forms of community: accidental, agape and intellectual (I was tempted to say 'academic' and make three 'a's but I just can't). These are in no way meant to be prescriptive, but only to describe my circumstances and experience at this point on my journey.
Accidental community is brought about by life circumstances. These are the folks one meets continually because of the patterns of life. You live with them, work with them or go to class with them. When you meet in the hallway you stop and chat for a bit, catch up on the little, external details of life. Accidental community can become more than it is, but often reaches a certain point of intimacy and stops. Either one or both parties is unwilling to go any deeper, or there is simply not enough similarity in mind, interest or habit to deepen the relationship. When this is the case, accidental community can become a grate on the nerves, a constant reminder of what it isn't.
Agape community is of the type to be found in the best families. This community centers on love and acceptance of each other in Christ without reference to appearance, mood, attitude or action. Each member of this community contributes, and each is free to correct the others in love when they misstep, be that missing a dirty spot on the pan or succumbing to the lies that cripple the joy of life. Agape community offers safety, but it also offers wisdom. It can happen in families, churches, within religious orders or between individuals who would otherwise have been accidental acquaintances, but wherever it does happen it should be nurtured and cherished with joyful thanksgiving. This kind of community is a tiny slice of heaven, and I believe it is vital for each of us to be a member in at least one such community.
Intellectual community centers on the exchange of ideas, but also of beliefs, personalities, background and education. It involves individuals at differing levels of intellectual and academic development sharing of their thoughts, knowledge and ideas. Conversations can range from intense to hilarious from the esoteric to the practical. Generally such community will develop within a specific discipline such as theology or philosophy or medicine. This community will share jargon and context that necessitate a certain exclusivity, but will welcome the new and the learner to share in the exchange and so become a part of the dialogue. This kind of community, I have discovered is nearly as vital for me as the agape community. It gives me the chance to grow, to become, to grow in learning in the company of the learned, and in wisdom in the company of the wise.
This is my contribution to the discussion of community through the lens of my own life and experience. What do you think?
11 January, 2008
If or When ?
In August of 2005 (I think it was the 17th), I took the metro to Clarendon and walked a block to the back entrance of the John Leland Center for Theological Studies. I went to talk to my pastor, who was then on sabbatical from the church, at his other workplace - the Leland Center. The only avowed purpose for the meeting was to catch up. I just needed a safe person to talk to, and he ended up being it. I was dreading the fast approaching fall semester, feeling trapped, unsure how to escape the walls that were closing in on my world.
We talked about many things that day. He introduced topic after topic, seeking, I think, to discover which one would animate me. It was only when I described my trip to Britain two months earlier that I became animated. You should go there to study, was his advice. If you were a student here we could use our link with the Baptist College in Cardiff... It wasn't his intention to lure me into a transfer of schools, but I didn't need persuasion. I jumped at the chance he offered, the opportunity for change, the promise of study in Great Britain. My box opened up just a little.
Through the amazing experiences that followed, I always looked forward to my year in Wales. It became my dream, something to amazing to be realized, but nevertheless certain to take place. When, in September 2006, it didn't happen, I was shaken. When he asked me if I was committed to do this - to make it work, I looked in his face and said I was. From that day forward my dream of studying in Cardiff became a goal, something to be worked toward. Obstacle after obstacle had to be overcome. I must attend classes, complete assignments, communicate regularly with the principal of the Baptist College, arrange finances, apply to the university, obtain adequate finances and write an acceptable final Master's thesis for the faculty at the Leland Center. Each of these challenges I faced, in their turn, careful to think of only one at a time, driven all the time by the need, the desire to succeed, and the knowledge of my reward - a chance to study in Wales, a year to live in Great Britain.
As the day approached to again board a plane bound for Heathrow Airport, I began to panic. What if I am again refused entry? What will I do if they send me back? But through it all I persevered, and through it all I saw the future, I saw my time in Wales in my mind. Even as I qualified my conversations about the coming year with "if," in my heart it was always "when."
Now I have accepted a similar challenge: to qualify for doctoral studies at Cardiff University and discover the appropriate finances for such an undertaking. I have had the first few conversations, and will soon be exploring options and marshaling information. While all is uncertain and dependent upon events (umm....where is that money coming from?), I will, of course, refer to my continued residence and study here with an "if" even in my mind, but my heart is already saying "when," as if the decision means the fact.
When I look into the future, I see myself here. I suppose then the question is not "if" or "when," but "how?"
We talked about many things that day. He introduced topic after topic, seeking, I think, to discover which one would animate me. It was only when I described my trip to Britain two months earlier that I became animated. You should go there to study, was his advice. If you were a student here we could use our link with the Baptist College in Cardiff... It wasn't his intention to lure me into a transfer of schools, but I didn't need persuasion. I jumped at the chance he offered, the opportunity for change, the promise of study in Great Britain. My box opened up just a little.
Through the amazing experiences that followed, I always looked forward to my year in Wales. It became my dream, something to amazing to be realized, but nevertheless certain to take place. When, in September 2006, it didn't happen, I was shaken. When he asked me if I was committed to do this - to make it work, I looked in his face and said I was. From that day forward my dream of studying in Cardiff became a goal, something to be worked toward. Obstacle after obstacle had to be overcome. I must attend classes, complete assignments, communicate regularly with the principal of the Baptist College, arrange finances, apply to the university, obtain adequate finances and write an acceptable final Master's thesis for the faculty at the Leland Center. Each of these challenges I faced, in their turn, careful to think of only one at a time, driven all the time by the need, the desire to succeed, and the knowledge of my reward - a chance to study in Wales, a year to live in Great Britain.
As the day approached to again board a plane bound for Heathrow Airport, I began to panic. What if I am again refused entry? What will I do if they send me back? But through it all I persevered, and through it all I saw the future, I saw my time in Wales in my mind. Even as I qualified my conversations about the coming year with "if," in my heart it was always "when."
Now I have accepted a similar challenge: to qualify for doctoral studies at Cardiff University and discover the appropriate finances for such an undertaking. I have had the first few conversations, and will soon be exploring options and marshaling information. While all is uncertain and dependent upon events (umm....where is that money coming from?), I will, of course, refer to my continued residence and study here with an "if" even in my mind, but my heart is already saying "when," as if the decision means the fact.
When I look into the future, I see myself here. I suppose then the question is not "if" or "when," but "how?"
09 January, 2008
PhD Altar
Here follows an unedited version of my side of a conversation I had with my brother on the internet this evening:
right,
well, I came over here firstly, because I wanted to be here
secondly, because I wanted to study here
and for those first three months, just being here was overwhelming
never sure if I was doing or saying the right thing
or how good the quality of my work was
or where to go to find what I wanted
how to form a community...if I could fit in...etc.
When Christmas break came along, I wasn't really looking forward to the time off - not the usual crowd of folks around college to see and talk to
but when it got here I was kind of excited
I had a great time listening to you guys on your Christmas, it was really close to being there
had an awesome carol service at the church - felt a lot like Christmas Eve
really connected with a couple people there and felt a part
that was really my Christmas
the actual day was just a fun visit to some new friends and interesting exploration of a different culture/way of life
then I was back at the college for a couple of days in the silence
no one here (at least on the ground I trod) except me
and it was great
spread out my stuff
carry my computer around playing DVD/music and not worry about bothering anyone
then I took the train to Clare's for New Year
and spent the day in London
that made me remember how fun it is to adventure
to feel my own power to do and to contrive
to make decisions and act on them
to choose how I react to the world around me, and choose to enjoy whatever comes
I came back to Cardiff and realized it was familiar, comfortable, home-like
I know my way around
I have my favorite places
it's just cool
On Friday night I took the train to Neath and talked to Jeff for six hours
that conversation kind of turned my world upside down
for three days virtually all I did was think about it
since I arrived, I have simply been overwhelmed by BEING here
and really lost sight of anything past that
until Roy said at our last meeting that my work only lacked a little polish to get top marks, I realized that I am succeeding
that essay was very difficult for me
besides feeling like working in the dark - not knowing the system here, etc.
Roy's words let me begin to feel that I might succeed
talking to Jeff made it seem like a certainty
I saw what I was doing and how I was doing it through the eyes of someone who knows meknows my faults and weaknesses
and has never been shy of pointing them out when they are holding me back
yet the very act of conversing with him showed me my own growth
my own change
on Saturday morning I wandered in the park, I don't know how long, partly in the rain, watching the river flow, digesting my feelings/emotions and the things that had been said
and i realized a few things - I have missed that kind of conversation, I have a great lack of confidence and tend not to see my successes in light of my weaknesses...
and I DO think like an academic, and even if my self-made vision of happiness (i.e. home, husband, family, etc.) were to come to pass, I wouldn't be satisfied
I need the academic interaction
I thrive on the conversation
it has only been in the last few days that I realized I WANT that PhD
not because Jeff thinks I should
not because I need an excuse to stay in the country
not because I feel that God is forcing me to it
because I want it, because I would thrive on it and grow through it
and whatever the pain I went through to get it...
it would be amazing on the other side
but I never felt that desire before...because I never really allowed myself to believe that I COULD
Last night I went to my first choir rehearsal with Cambrensis...it was just a choir rehearsal...but it was incredible
absolutely incredible
my soul still dances when I think of it
today I looked up the Cardiff Uni website
checking their PhD entrance requirements
how you apply etc.
I checked their funding link and I'm not eligible - not UK or EU
and I wasn't daunted
I can find it some where else
it said sometimes the let PhD folks start January 1
that would make sense - finish the MTH in September, stay for a few months
go home for Christmas
come back fresh in January
going to talk to Roy tomorrow
ask him what I need to do
to get the ball rolling
and I'm nervous...but I'm not afraid
do you know that part in the Sword Bearer, where John gets trapped inside the cage that isn't there?
the bars look real from the inside, but Elinor is ourside and she keeps telling him just to walk through, but he can't bring himself to
I've felt like that for at least a year
like I was behind imaginary bars, and I just couldn't get through them
and suddenly they're gone
and I have hope and joy and a future and a vision
and I know it is what I want, the vision and desire that God has given me
to use the abilities and gifts that are uniquely mine
I can see myself making a home here in a way I never could in the US
everything is a possibility
it all feels like home
and yet it is all a great adventure
I didn't know life could be like this
I've shed tears every day since Friday night...
becuase I'm just so full
it keeps overflowing
insane, incredible, unbelievable
and all so amazingly POSSIBLE
and the fear is gone
for the first time in as long as I can remember
I think it is all rather huge
when I felt the flood coming, I started to freeze up,
but then I realized that when God sends the flood he wants me to receive it...so I let it wash over and this is what I found
right,
well, I came over here firstly, because I wanted to be here
secondly, because I wanted to study here
and for those first three months, just being here was overwhelming
never sure if I was doing or saying the right thing
or how good the quality of my work was
or where to go to find what I wanted
how to form a community...if I could fit in...etc.
When Christmas break came along, I wasn't really looking forward to the time off - not the usual crowd of folks around college to see and talk to
but when it got here I was kind of excited
I had a great time listening to you guys on your Christmas, it was really close to being there
had an awesome carol service at the church - felt a lot like Christmas Eve
really connected with a couple people there and felt a part
that was really my Christmas
the actual day was just a fun visit to some new friends and interesting exploration of a different culture/way of life
then I was back at the college for a couple of days in the silence
no one here (at least on the ground I trod) except me
and it was great
spread out my stuff
carry my computer around playing DVD/music and not worry about bothering anyone
then I took the train to Clare's for New Year
and spent the day in London
that made me remember how fun it is to adventure
to feel my own power to do and to contrive
to make decisions and act on them
to choose how I react to the world around me, and choose to enjoy whatever comes
I came back to Cardiff and realized it was familiar, comfortable, home-like
I know my way around
I have my favorite places
it's just cool
On Friday night I took the train to Neath and talked to Jeff for six hours
that conversation kind of turned my world upside down
for three days virtually all I did was think about it
since I arrived, I have simply been overwhelmed by BEING here
and really lost sight of anything past that
until Roy said at our last meeting that my work only lacked a little polish to get top marks, I realized that I am succeeding
that essay was very difficult for me
besides feeling like working in the dark - not knowing the system here, etc.
Roy's words let me begin to feel that I might succeed
talking to Jeff made it seem like a certainty
I saw what I was doing and how I was doing it through the eyes of someone who knows meknows my faults and weaknesses
and has never been shy of pointing them out when they are holding me back
yet the very act of conversing with him showed me my own growth
my own change
on Saturday morning I wandered in the park, I don't know how long, partly in the rain, watching the river flow, digesting my feelings/emotions and the things that had been said
and i realized a few things - I have missed that kind of conversation, I have a great lack of confidence and tend not to see my successes in light of my weaknesses...
and I DO think like an academic, and even if my self-made vision of happiness (i.e. home, husband, family, etc.) were to come to pass, I wouldn't be satisfied
I need the academic interaction
I thrive on the conversation
it has only been in the last few days that I realized I WANT that PhD
not because Jeff thinks I should
not because I need an excuse to stay in the country
not because I feel that God is forcing me to it
because I want it, because I would thrive on it and grow through it
and whatever the pain I went through to get it...
it would be amazing on the other side
but I never felt that desire before...because I never really allowed myself to believe that I COULD
Last night I went to my first choir rehearsal with Cambrensis...it was just a choir rehearsal...but it was incredible
absolutely incredible
my soul still dances when I think of it
today I looked up the Cardiff Uni website
checking their PhD entrance requirements
how you apply etc.
I checked their funding link and I'm not eligible - not UK or EU
and I wasn't daunted
I can find it some where else
it said sometimes the let PhD folks start January 1
that would make sense - finish the MTH in September, stay for a few months
go home for Christmas
come back fresh in January
going to talk to Roy tomorrow
ask him what I need to do
to get the ball rolling
and I'm nervous...but I'm not afraid
do you know that part in the Sword Bearer, where John gets trapped inside the cage that isn't there?
the bars look real from the inside, but Elinor is ourside and she keeps telling him just to walk through, but he can't bring himself to
I've felt like that for at least a year
like I was behind imaginary bars, and I just couldn't get through them
and suddenly they're gone
and I have hope and joy and a future and a vision
and I know it is what I want, the vision and desire that God has given me
to use the abilities and gifts that are uniquely mine
I can see myself making a home here in a way I never could in the US
everything is a possibility
it all feels like home
and yet it is all a great adventure
I didn't know life could be like this
I've shed tears every day since Friday night...
becuase I'm just so full
it keeps overflowing
insane, incredible, unbelievable
and all so amazingly POSSIBLE
and the fear is gone
for the first time in as long as I can remember
I think it is all rather huge
when I felt the flood coming, I started to freeze up,
but then I realized that when God sends the flood he wants me to receive it...so I let it wash over and this is what I found
08 January, 2008
Journal Entry for January 8, 2008
The following is an entry from my personal journal written on return from my first rehearsal with the Cambrensis choir on the day I turned in the last draft of my first essay:
It is spinning. My mind is spinning. I am not tonight who I was this morning. I feel the rock forming under my feet. I feel the future shaping itself. Time telescopes. Possibilities multiply. The focus narrows. Life has taken a new dimension. Clarity seems nearby though unattainable, not yet, but I feel the air clearing. The chains are whipping away, broken. The ropes have frayed. What is this freedom? I know not whence it came, but I know who sent it.
I love the music, the beautiful, glorious music. I love the song, the challenge of the notes. I embrace. I sink in. I am absorbed. I forget where I am, how I feel, how my day has been. There is nothing but me and the music, the conductor to direct, the pianist to play and God to receive the praise. I am not in a foreign country - the music has no accent. It is the universal language, and I live in that universe. My soul expands, my life slips away. Oh glorious freedom! Oh heaven-sent blessing! Oh great beauty of sound, audible picture of wonder! I don't want to wake. I want to stay and drown in the music, become intoxicated with that other world, that land where all is wonderful and even discord only adds to the harmony.
Must I wait a week to taste that joy again?
It is spinning. My mind is spinning. I am not tonight who I was this morning. I feel the rock forming under my feet. I feel the future shaping itself. Time telescopes. Possibilities multiply. The focus narrows. Life has taken a new dimension. Clarity seems nearby though unattainable, not yet, but I feel the air clearing. The chains are whipping away, broken. The ropes have frayed. What is this freedom? I know not whence it came, but I know who sent it.
I love the music, the beautiful, glorious music. I love the song, the challenge of the notes. I embrace. I sink in. I am absorbed. I forget where I am, how I feel, how my day has been. There is nothing but me and the music, the conductor to direct, the pianist to play and God to receive the praise. I am not in a foreign country - the music has no accent. It is the universal language, and I live in that universe. My soul expands, my life slips away. Oh glorious freedom! Oh heaven-sent blessing! Oh great beauty of sound, audible picture of wonder! I don't want to wake. I want to stay and drown in the music, become intoxicated with that other world, that land where all is wonderful and even discord only adds to the harmony.
Must I wait a week to taste that joy again?
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