PhD Altar

Here follows an unedited version of my side of a conversation I had with my brother on the internet this evening:

right,
well, I came over here firstly, because I wanted to be here
secondly, because I wanted to study here
and for those first three months, just being here was overwhelming
never sure if I was doing or saying the right thing
or how good the quality of my work was
or where to go to find what I wanted
how to form a community...if I could fit in...etc.
When Christmas break came along, I wasn't really looking forward to the time off - not the usual crowd of folks around college to see and talk to
but when it got here I was kind of excited
I had a great time listening to you guys on your Christmas, it was really close to being there
had an awesome carol service at the church - felt a lot like Christmas Eve
really connected with a couple people there and felt a part
that was really my Christmas
the actual day was just a fun visit to some new friends and interesting exploration of a different culture/way of life
then I was back at the college for a couple of days in the silence
no one here (at least on the ground I trod) except me
and it was great
spread out my stuff
carry my computer around playing DVD/music and not worry about bothering anyone
then I took the train to Clare's for New Year
and spent the day in London
that made me remember how fun it is to adventure
to feel my own power to do and to contrive
to make decisions and act on them
to choose how I react to the world around me, and choose to enjoy whatever comes
I came back to Cardiff and realized it was familiar, comfortable, home-like
I know my way around
I have my favorite places
it's just cool
On Friday night I took the train to Neath and talked to Jeff for six hours
that conversation kind of turned my world upside down
for three days virtually all I did was think about it
since I arrived, I have simply been overwhelmed by BEING here
and really lost sight of anything past that
until Roy said at our last meeting that my work only lacked a little polish to get top marks, I realized that I am succeeding
that essay was very difficult for me
besides feeling like working in the dark - not knowing the system here, etc.
Roy's words let me begin to feel that I might succeed
talking to Jeff made it seem like a certainty
I saw what I was doing and how I was doing it through the eyes of someone who knows meknows my faults and weaknesses
and has never been shy of pointing them out when they are holding me back
yet the very act of conversing with him showed me my own growth
my own change
on Saturday morning I wandered in the park, I don't know how long, partly in the rain, watching the river flow, digesting my feelings/emotions and the things that had been said
and i realized a few things - I have missed that kind of conversation, I have a great lack of confidence and tend not to see my successes in light of my weaknesses...
and I DO think like an academic, and even if my self-made vision of happiness (i.e. home, husband, family, etc.) were to come to pass, I wouldn't be satisfied
I need the academic interaction
I thrive on the conversation
it has only been in the last few days that I realized I WANT that PhD
not because Jeff thinks I should
not because I need an excuse to stay in the country
not because I feel that God is forcing me to it
because I want it, because I would thrive on it and grow through it
and whatever the pain I went through to get it...
it would be amazing on the other side
but I never felt that desire before...because I never really allowed myself to believe that I COULD
Last night I went to my first choir rehearsal with Cambrensis...it was just a choir rehearsal...but it was incredible
absolutely incredible
my soul still dances when I think of it
today I looked up the Cardiff Uni website
checking their PhD entrance requirements
how you apply etc.
I checked their funding link and I'm not eligible - not UK or EU
and I wasn't daunted
I can find it some where else
it said sometimes the let PhD folks start January 1
that would make sense - finish the MTH in September, stay for a few months
go home for Christmas
come back fresh in January
going to talk to Roy tomorrow
ask him what I need to do
to get the ball rolling
and I'm nervous...but I'm not afraid
do you know that part in the Sword Bearer, where John gets trapped inside the cage that isn't there?
the bars look real from the inside, but Elinor is ourside and she keeps telling him just to walk through, but he can't bring himself to
I've felt like that for at least a year
like I was behind imaginary bars, and I just couldn't get through them
and suddenly they're gone
and I have hope and joy and a future and a vision
and I know it is what I want, the vision and desire that God has given me
to use the abilities and gifts that are uniquely mine
I can see myself making a home here in a way I never could in the US
everything is a possibility
it all feels like home
and yet it is all a great adventure
I didn't know life could be like this
I've shed tears every day since Friday night...
becuase I'm just so full
it keeps overflowing
insane, incredible, unbelievable
and all so amazingly POSSIBLE
and the fear is gone
for the first time in as long as I can remember
I think it is all rather huge
when I felt the flood coming, I started to freeze up,
but then I realized that when God sends the flood he wants me to receive it...so I let it wash over and this is what I found