introvert reflects

I am an introvert, the child of introverts. I grew up in the conviction, nonetheless strong for never having been taught, that introversion was a feature of family identity, a marker of separation between us and the world, an important part of being and of becoming. We are introverts.

As I grew into adolescence and adulthood, I increasingly felt the pressure from the dominant cultures around me to be more extraverted. My peers were incessantly talking, making friends, worrying about relationships. My church told me, week after week, that evangelism (in all its more extraverted forms) was a Christian duty and constantly made me feel below par because I did not have loads of non-Christian friends and acquaintances whom I was trying to convert, nor had I ever been involved in "leading someone to Christ". The big, loud, colourful, outgoing, oportunist culture of the United States seemed to me more oppressive than empowering. If I wasn't willing to be big and loud and colourful and to actively market and promote myself and my abilities, I was never going to be visible, let alone succeed. I defined myself as an introvert, and the more I encountered the blantantly outgoing cultures that surrounded me, the more I turned in on myself, seeking the sanctity and sanity of peace, quiet and solitude.

Being (arguably) in the minority, I refused to attempt to make a mark in the world. I hoped instead for a quiet, safe, isolated life in which I would not be forced do deal with those alien and contrary creatures called "people" and could safely retire to rural seclusion and the contracted circle of a beloved and close family.

But the reverse happened. I was kicked into widening circles of work, world, church and studies, and slowly began to realise that some of my basic perceptions of what was meant by "introverted" must be invalid. I discovered that I like people - not all people and definitely not all the time - but still I began to develop relationships with persons outside the safe, introverted familiy unit that interested and stimulated me.

In response to the fresh stimulous, the inner horizons of my introverted mind began to grow and expand as new information and novel ideas challenged and changed my mental landscape. My slight curiosity became an insatiable hunger to know more, to understand better, to communicate more clearly. I forgot I was introverted and acted only as a person in relation to other people, seeking information and ideas, seeking God and his Logos in every new experience, encounter, relationship.

Over the course of time, new relationships began to deepen into friendships, bringing me, for the first time, into close contact with those who are profoundly unlike me on almost every level. I learned to see myself in these others and to see them in me. I began to grasp what it might be like to see myself through their eyes. My inner landscape broadened, stretched and changed again. I changed. I found so much joy in others that sometimes I began to question - am I an introvert? But when I was asked the question, I always maintained that I was.

Today I am even more certain that I am. This is the seventh day in a string of days which all involved intensive interaction with people. Each of these days I have spent at least 6 and more usually 8+ hours in social situations. I have been in lectures, seminars, classes and workshops. I have been forced to work in groups for long periods of time, to process information, solve problems and make presentations. I have preached sermons, answered questions, made conversation and enjoyed fellowship over meals. In many ways this has been a time of healing, and I have learned much about myself that I am only beginning to process, but even though I am grateful for the time and the benefits I have gained from it, I am exhausted.

This is something else I have learned. Being introvered does not mean I dislike people (well, not across the board anyway). Neither does it mean that I cannot communicate well and clearly in verbal as well as written form. It does not mean I cannot form deep and lasting relationships with those who are not (and never will be) "immediate family." I does not mean I do not enjoy social situations or automatically feel uncomfortable in groups. In all these situations, as with everything else in life, I have a choice. I can freely chose to interact, the learn, to get to know people, to invest in relationships and thus benefit from them.

Being an introvert does mean that, even if I do not feel a strain at the time, the aftermath of such a prolonged series of social interaction is utter exhaustion. Truly, I have learned much about myself in the last seven days.