ringing in my ears

My ears are still ringing. It's a novel thing - silence. Something to be avoided. Something to be feared. Something to be sought out and enjoyed. Or perhaps that is the noise, the crowd, the faint aroma of alcohol, the whiffs of smoke, the lights. My ears are still ringing.

I was given a great gift tonight, and I just might have learned a lesson. I don't know yet. I'll have to sleep on it first.

It's only been half an hour since I heard the clock strike eleven as I walked home. A little food. A little drink. A little distraction on the computer. But my ears are still ringing.

Unusually, for me, I wanted to be with people tonight, to get out of myself for an evening. In my mind that would have been pizza and a movie, but my friends had other plans tonight. Not but what I have been developing an interest to see just what was involved in this mysterious night life of theirs. I went along (mostly) willingly. I watched them freely chat to complete strangers with an odd sense of detachment, as if it were a show on the television and I was merely watching. It probably wouldn't have been a show I would have chosen to watch. Disturbing on so many levels, more foreign to me than British culture has ever been, totally not me, but I don't regret it. These are questions I have to ask, realities I need to have knowledge of, even if I am never comfortable with them.
But something else happened tonight, on the edge of that dance floor. I came face to face with a piece of my past I have long regretted and avoided. I shed a few tears, and as I looked into the eyes of my pain, a friend touched my shoulder and brought me back to the present, reminding me of where I was and who I was with. That moment had to happen, and even though I only barely understand it, I do know that it was good, even healthy. Something within has been released, let go, allowed to slip away into oblivion, and I will go to bed tonight just that slight bit more free than I was this morning.

But my ears are still ringing with the sound of silence. My beloved, safe and God-filled silence, and I am so grateful.