The First Assignment

I can't do this.

I can do this.

I don't want to do this.

There is nothing in the world I'd rather do.

I'm afraid to do this.

Or am I?

What really holds me back from facing the challenge, completing the assignment? It is a familiar place, far too familiar and far too comfortable. I have attributed this lack of forward motion in the past to lack of ability or to fear of failure. I have continually come down to the wire and performed the tasks required of me only by the grace of God. This is my MO, my consistent method of operation. These are the lies, the debates, the obstacles that I deal with every time. With each new assignment the same voices begin to speak the same lies, and even though these voices are inside my own head, they begin to sound more and more alien. It is almost as if I see them from a distance. I hear them from a place of neutrality, idly wondering why such foolish words and sentiments actually have and effect on my life. But they do. Even in the place of neutrality I am paralyzed.

When I received that assignment in my email this afternoon, my first thought was: No way. There's no way I can come with what he's asking in so short a time. Not a chance. My second thought was: I wonder how little I could do and still get away with it... My third thought came after a bit of a mental shake: I've done more than that in a week before. What am I on about? Of course I can do it. I want to start off with a good impression. The good news is, all that happened in about five minutes instead of the five days (or more) that it would have done even a year ago. The bad news is, I can't seem to get momentum. I don't know where to put my foot first. I'm not sure what I'm doing, and it is the line between that uncertainty and my confidence that I am now poised upon, balancing with breath-taking precision, unsure which way to move and afraid to try. The void seems so close now, and I never want to fall into it again.

Take a deep breath. There is only one way on from here: prayer and perseverance. Hindrances must not be allowed to daunt me. Frustrations must not be allowed to deter me. Where there is a will, God will show the way.

Nothing can separate me from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus, and I can do all things in his strength.