panicking

Okay. I admit it. I'm terrified. And I'm panicking. Life got in my way, and now I'm months behind and completely at a loss. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step, but what if there is a time limit, and anyway, how does one know which direction to step in?

Well, if you haven't guessed it, this is about the PhD. That enormous thing that has been hanging over me for months, kept at bay by grieving, moving, planning, adjusting, but it can no longer be ignored. I must face up to my responsibility. I must do something.

So I think back to when I started, to two years ago when I was going through the application process. How clueless was I? Only slightly less clueless than I am now. Just enough to actually have the nerve to make the application. Just enough to convince them that I could do this, something I have only at times believed myself, but they accepted me. So I renewed my visa, and started trying to do some work. At the end of the first year, they said I had done well and made good progress. I was relieved, the prospect of finishing wasn't so bad. After all, I had two more years to go, plenty of time to make good progress.

Of course, then life happened. Somewhere in my mind I am dimly conscious of two truths. The first is that my experience cannot be entirely unique. Others are interrupted in their research work by life events, such a thing must be unavoidable for most students - who ever went through three years of adult life without facing some kind of crisis? The second is that I actually do have the ability to do this. I am confident in the faith others have in me, and I am also aware of the ability in myself as well as the drive to finish what I have begun. I can, I must, I will complete this project.

So why panic? Because I don't know how. I don't know what I'm doing. I don't know how to ask for help. I don't know where to start, and the best advice I can find is to just do it. I know all the pieces - how to research, how to write, how to form an argument. My skills at supervisor management are improving. Perhaps, in the end, the thing I really lack is self-management skills. But I've always lacked that, and somehow I keep accomplishing what I set out to do. If only I could cut out the panicking stage. If only I could trust myself.

Is it confidence that I lack? Is it discipline? Is it an organised mind? Is it faith?

Some, any, or all of these things, but I don't have time to waste. I can hear the seconds ticking away, and I'll never get that time back. So, how do I stop panicking?