Out

I'm not here - which wouldn't be so bad if I knew where I was or why I have lost my appetite or what is on my mind. The world around me seems to have faded or is it that I am living behind a veil or under a cloud. The pages and pages of research sources are jumbled in my brain with an endless stream of possibilities. Possibilities that live in my mind as if they were uncertain memories of things not yet to be, almost seen, almost known, almost understood, but not quite. Dreams, sleeping and waking, that make reality seem oddly insubstantial. Prayers that make no sense at all. Conversations without end and without point.

Sitting here, waiting, each thought in my mind connected with the last in an endless circle - or spiral - or web. An ellipse perhaps as it has too centers of gravity.

I shiver. I am cold. Why am I cold? I am empty, but each attempt to eat only results in a snack before I lose interest. Where has my mind gone - or is it my soul? My body is here, but I am not present in it. Instead I am wandering far away in places I cannot understand or describe while the to-do's pile up on my desk and these strange memories (or feelings?) wind their way through my thoughts.

And what is this? A desperate attempt to understand? No. I am not desperate. I am not afraid. I know I am with God, but I wonder. How will I have changed when I have returned to "normal" existence?