"Do you have our number? Good, don't hesitate to call."
I don't have just one number. Actually, I have three - his mobile, her mobile and the house phone number, but I don't call. After all, what would I say, "I'm sick, please come take care of me"? I just can't bring myself to do it. I'm not that sick. I can walk in a straight line. I even went to town on my bike this morning to get some food and orange juice. I don't really need anyone to take care of me, do I?
And that doesn't include other people who have given me their numbers and urged me to call. If you need to talk...no reason you should feel alone...we're always home...just give us a ring... Numbers stored in my phone, or in the church directory, just across the room. As much as I have used them, I might as well not have them...almost. What stops me from picking up the phone and dialing? I don't want to intrude? I don't want to impose. I don't believe my own company could truly be something these people enjoy, and I don't want to just accept their charity. Is that pride?
Wednesday night I was feeling poorly. I stuck to it, playing the keyboard through the chapel service, although I had been informed by one member of staff that "you are not indispensible, if you need to drop out, do it." I almost took offense, but the truth was that he was reading me correctly. He put his finger on the heart of the matter and called my bluff. You don't have to. We can manage without you. After the close of the chapel service, I busied myself washing up mugs and other dishes. "I'll do that," said one of the other students, "you shouldn't if you're not feeling well." But I wouldn't let her do it. She called me stubborn. I took it as a compliment, but when I went back in the chapel room to help the other members of the band put away the equipment I was met with a firm negative. That same member of staff told me, point blank, that I was not to help if I wasn't feeling well. I bowed to his decree, and when, a few minutes later, another fellow student told me to go to bed, I obeyed him. It was only half past seven, but I was tired.
This series of interactions has been much on my mind in the last few days. Why did I resist the pleas of my fellow female student, but bow without a protest to the much less insistent instructions of the tutor and the male student. It has to do, of course, with my individual relationships to each of these. I can think, for example, of one or two of the female students I would have yielded to, but I still find the dicotomy thought provoking.
Why is this related to my stubborn refusal to take any of my new friends up on their offers of company and hospitality? On the one hand, I refuse to see my own company as desirable and dislike being welcomed on any grounds but my own merit. On the other hand, I choose to think that my contribution to the college community is necessary and only submit to the different judgements of particular individuals that I hold in respect. What a ridiculously contradictory way to look at things! Which is it? Am I too lowly to accept the notice of worthy people (who have assured me more than once that they enjoy my company) or am I too important to allow anyone else to do the tasks I have appointed to myself (even when others did them before I came and will do them after I leave)?
Of course this is an old enemy of mine. Pride/Anti-Pride. So I must remember three of my life lessons... Practice Humility, Accept Grace, Cultivate a Voice.
Maybe I'll go contact that friend now...
2 comments:
In reading your post, it reminds me of my grad school time in Pittsburgh. I went through the same motions you metnioned in your post, but with different people in a different setting. In reading your post i discovered that i wasn't suffering from pride, but from a lack of self-worth. I had very low self-esteem back then. My self-esteem was stronger than it had been during my years with my family and undergrad, but itwas still low. I was on my own in Pittsburgh. Eight hours away from family. I had to make my own community, my own music. But first, i had to like myself. have a sense of self-worth. Needless to say, that didn't happen until i moved down to virginia. I managed OK in pittsburgh. Had groups that i hanged with, but it would have been a richer time if i had been a stronger and more confident person. I was always in need of assurance. I am like that today at times, but as my friend and husband say, i'm not your parent, this is your life, make up your mind for yourself. So i teeter-totter in my head what i need and the outcome of these needs, and have learned that if you have a need to reach out, you should reach out.
Peace.
So are you feeling better? Go to bed! Did it work? Just kidding. I've got the pride thing too but I wonder, should we listen to people we don't respect? I mean I hear what some people say and I'm like, "you're crazy." Usually this is in the context of youth ministry when a very young youth worker begins to instruct me. I find if I care for the person and recognize them as part of the Body and that their story matters as part of my story it helps me maintain a better "listening ear" and response.
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